Dorian's always had a far more casual relationship with Toby's monstrous nature than the vampire has. It's common for the younger immortal to say things that make Toby recoil because it's so different from how he thinks. It doesn't matter how many times he's reminded his lover can't die (or at least stay dead) if he goes too far or that the feelings that come from being bitten far outweigh the pain that precedes it; Given the choice, Toby would never feed if he had to. The pleasure and the connection are welcome, but the reason those things exist in the first place? That could get kicked to the curb and he wouldn't mind in the least.
But what's being offered to him now is slightly different. This isn't a debate about whether the act is monstrous or not (it is and that's final), it's about the trauma that surrounds it. Toby's avoidance of difficult subjects is well known between them (the lengths he'll travel to avoid the worst things are legendary), and it's as much what he hasn't said as much as what he's offered that Dorian is picking up on now. The vampire is afraid and has been holding back, yes, but the layers surrounding the hesitation have never been fully spoken. His soulmate calling that out without Toby having spoken it speaks to the depths of their connection and how well they know each other despite the distance put between them by over a year of forced separation. It's comforting, in its own way, but not quite enough to get them to what they're both craving.
"And if I lose control of myself?" he asks, resting a hand atop one of Dorian's knees beneath the water. "You can't stop me from hurting you and I can't--" A beat as he exhales and forces himself not to tighten his grip on his lover. "I'll never forgive myself for hurting you because of what I am. Controlling that after not caring to for so long is a lot to handle, even if you don't think I need to. If I start to go, I could kill you and not care until it was far too late." It's more weight than he ever thought this would have for them, and he hates that it has to be this way when it was once one of the most beautiful things they shared.
no subject
But what's being offered to him now is slightly different. This isn't a debate about whether the act is monstrous or not (it is and that's final), it's about the trauma that surrounds it. Toby's avoidance of difficult subjects is well known between them (the lengths he'll travel to avoid the worst things are legendary), and it's as much what he hasn't said as much as what he's offered that Dorian is picking up on now. The vampire is afraid and has been holding back, yes, but the layers surrounding the hesitation have never been fully spoken. His soulmate calling that out without Toby having spoken it speaks to the depths of their connection and how well they know each other despite the distance put between them by over a year of forced separation. It's comforting, in its own way, but not quite enough to get them to what they're both craving.
"And if I lose control of myself?" he asks, resting a hand atop one of Dorian's knees beneath the water. "You can't stop me from hurting you and I can't--" A beat as he exhales and forces himself not to tighten his grip on his lover. "I'll never forgive myself for hurting you because of what I am. Controlling that after not caring to for so long is a lot to handle, even if you don't think I need to. If I start to go, I could kill you and not care until it was far too late." It's more weight than he ever thought this would have for them, and he hates that it has to be this way when it was once one of the most beautiful things they shared.