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Dorian Gray (The Confessions of Dorian Gray) ([personal profile] mayfairmonster) wrote2030-02-11 08:43 pm
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"If you don’t know who this is, hang up now. If you do [A long-suffering sigh] why not leave a message?"


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mislay: (pic#11773383)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-05 12:22 am (UTC)(link)
[ It's easy to sense that something is off about all of this, even as he slips down the hallway to quickly change into something a little less filthy. The shower he takes is quick and efficient because he needs it to be, mostly for the sake of scrubbing his skin raw, and there's no tentativeness to anything that he does when he returns to Dorian in the main room until those words slam into him. He frowns somewhat, trying to decipher the tone of his voice and exactly what it means.

Rather than skirt the topic, he crosses the distance between them. ]


Say whatever it is you mean to say to me. That wasn't my fault.

[ His clothes, he means. It's complicated, and if asked, he'll try to avoid talking too intimately about it because he's still in desperate need of processing the last several hours. Larus had thought – somewhat foolishly now, he realizes – that being elsewhere and with someone he actually liked would have balanced the tumultuous storm brewing under the surface of his thoughts. But it's clearly an oversight, gently folding his arms over his chest to look Dorian over more closely for the first time since he'd stepped through the door.

Anything else on the tip of his tongue dissolves, his expression a bit more open. ]
Did something happen?
mislay: (pic#11773373)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-05 12:49 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Yes, the city is easy to blame. It clearly has nothing to do with their own vices or the burdens they carry in the dark, eyeing Dorian with less subtlety than before. He's certainly in some sort of mood, evident by the way he's speaking of things that haven't seemed to be an issue before, but maybe he's returned to him like this one too many times. Once again, he's reminded that he isn't Casimir, that he doesn't question why and only accepts it for what it is.

There has to be more, though, but Larus isn't going to dwell on it to the point of obsession. He simply closes the space between them and takes Dorian's hand, focusing almost too quickly on the steady thrum of his pulse. What he'd wanted, what he shouldn't think about. ]


I don't know what that means. [ Because he could interpret it a thousand different ways and not because he doesn't understand it. ] But if that's all you have to say to me, I can make this easy for you. I didn't have to come back.

[ And he might just leave since this had obviously been a poor idea, though he doesn't let go of him. ]
mislay: (pic#11773392)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-05 04:53 pm (UTC)(link)
[ With that gesture, Larus can tell he wants to fight. Or, at the very least, antagonize him a little for reasons that more than likely have nothing to do with him. He isn't swayed, however, moving in even closer to take hold of his wrist again. This time, he squeezes it in a way that conveys he means to hold onto him. ]

I'm finding it difficult to believe you, Dorian. [ Does someone who doesn't care draw the line at instigating more violence after he'd nearly died? He pulls Dorian towards him. ] We agreed on the truth between us.

[ And this doesn't feel like that. ]
mislay: (pic#11773406)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-05 05:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Is that really what this is about?

[ There's a slight harshness to his tone, though it's brushed aside as soon as Dorian digs into his face. Larus doesn't flinch, pulling Dorian's hand away with his free one so that he's now got him by both wrists. His thoughts scatter, a momentary disconnect, but he forces it away to bring Dorian's face into focus.

He looks him right in the eyes. ]
I'm not going to do that.
mislay: (pic#11773371)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-05 11:23 pm (UTC)(link)
[ It's strange now, he realizes. Wrong.

Perhaps those words are the thoughts of someone who hides them well enough for different reasons, Larus' face scrunching slightly as it just pours out of Dorian with the same eloquence as always. But the things he says ache with familiarity, things he's told himself and has been told by others. By Sun, mostly, which is hilariously ironic given the nature of his maker. Still, he's heard it before, and as always, his only weapon to fight back with is his honesty. He doesn't have much else when it comes to something like this; of anyone in this city, it's Dorian he wants to hurt the least. ]


I care, [ he admits lightly, parsing through it even as he holds him there with Dorian's hands between them. ] Why do you think I go out there? I don't enjoy it. There's no peace; at least the Dusk made more sense that way.

[ But Duplicity is sprawling, and its control is everywhere. He has a literal reminder of it tattooed permanently on his skin, and he'd given some of his own autonomy to the man now questioning his, what? Morals? His feelings? They've only ever briefly touched on the subject of something like that, and even with the sex that had followed...

Larus frowns, his expression twisting. ]


You're careless when it comes to other people, Dorian, and I'm trying to protect you from that. [ He only knows of Grayson Frost and not even to the full extent. It's hard to say what other dealings he's made without mentioning them. ] So call me whatever it is you want. I know I'm a monster. That's something I never asked for, but it doesn't mean I'm heartless.

[ Larus leans closer, close enough to feel Dorian's breath on his skin. ]

If I didn't care [ he swallows around the words about you and pushes on, ] I wouldn't be here.
mislay: (pic#11773368)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-06 03:36 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Something in that looks almost breaks him, letting Dorian's hand rest against his throat. It's trust, Larus convinces himself, because who else does he have that he can really believe in while he's in this place? It's not the people he's brushed up against. It certainly isn't the encounter he's just come from that leaves a bitter weight in his chest and the distant reminder of being stabbed in the gut. He'd very well let Dorian have it all and not think twice about it, an abrupt realization that nearly has him pulling away to protect himself.

But no. He'd asked for this. Unknowingly, he'd let it happen.

With one of his hands now free, Larus shifts to rest it against the one at his neck. A light hold, nothing more. With nothing but his own strength, Dorian couldn't hurt him like this, and it's really not what he's terrified of anyhow, returning that look with something akin to affection. Heartbreak, if he's being honest, but when has Larus ever truly been honest with himself? ]


Then I'd be just like everyone else. [ Like every other monster out there. ] I can't do that – and I won't. Even if it hurts.

[ Because such pain tells him that he isn't entirely lost to it all. ]
mislay: (pic#11773400)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-06 04:14 pm (UTC)(link)
[ If he wants to run, he's going to have to do it when Larus decides to let him go. Even then, the obvious choice is to chase him, to follow him for answers that just don't make sense on their own. It's an equation that fits nowhere in his life, curling his fingers around Dorian's as soon as he releases him. He knows this tactic all too well, and while he'd usually prefer the distance, everything that's happened to him in the last several hours craves the exact opposite of that.

His expression evens out along with his voice. ]


I know. [ One way or another, he will. It's just going to be his choice. ] But I died once already. It's not death that I'm afraid of.

[ Perhaps that's why he shakes it off so easily, how he can pretend it never happened when he's come so close to that edge so many times before. This place is no different when it comes to that; the only distinction are the people in his life, the ones that slip through and tangle themselves around his heart. ]

There are things I need to do, and people I want to see. The pain just makes existing bearable enough to see that through.
mislay: (pic#11773391)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-06 05:23 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Dorian's pulse ruptures like a bomb, and it suddenly makes sense to him. All of it. His moods, the fighting, the words that try to pierce him in the soft spots he guards so fiercely. He's been here before, only once, but the aftermath of it had been brutal; and this pulls at him in ways that are completely different from the experience he'd shared that night so long ago with Casimir. It's difficult to love something as fleeting as a mortal, especially one intent on sacrificing his life over the injustice of others, and somehow, Dorian believes that's exactly what he wants to do? Because of one moment in an alley and the few times he's come back covered in blood?

No, that's not quite it. But he understands.

It's enough to fight him, to steady his grip and draw back so that Dorian's forced to come closer into Larus' embrace. He settles a hand at his side and then around him, effectively trapping Dorian there until he decides to release him. He doesn't think he will, not until they've reached some sort of agreement. ]


There's no one outside this room that matters to me, [ he corrects slowly, pointedly. ] And I never said I wanted to die. Not here. Not where it matters.

[ Back home is different because... it just is. He'll destroy Sun, even if it means destroying himself, and it's not like he'll have anyone to return to if he somehow managed to survive it. Casimir is a martyr, and Egil, at least, would have Jericho. He wouldn't be alone, and that's all he can ask for in that world of his. This one is something entirely separate, releasing Dorian's wrist because he knows he can't escape the hold he has on him and using that hand to turn his face towards him. ]

I'm not letting go until you give me a reason to. [ And he doesn't just mean physically. ]
mislay: (pic#11773376)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-06 06:43 pm (UTC)(link)
[ If Larus lets himself feel this, wholly and without pause, it could break him. Dorian would be a weakness, and as much as he already is, that alone would be enough to paint a target on him. It's not what Larus wants, which is why he'd been adamant about drawing lines, about keeping things as impersonal as they can be in a city ruled by dark desires and sex. He can sense it unraveling though, grip loosening ever so slightly before he decides that reason alone isn't good enough for him. His fingers dig into Dorian's clothes, the thumb against his face stroking over warm, pretty skin. ]

I think you're forgetting where we are. Between the two of us, you have more rights than I do at any moment.

[ But it's not because of those things that he doesn't let go. When they're alone, there's only equality. When they're alone, it's them facing whatever comes at them together, and lately, it hasn't been that at all. Larus with his agenda and Dorian with his, secrets twisted into something that feigns propriety on the surface.

His own selfishness shines brightly enough and long enough that he merely leans in against him, temple to temple. ]


I'm not going to let you run away simply because you want to.
mislay: (pic#11111911)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-06 09:36 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Had he really insisted on it, Dorian could escape. Larus doesn't hold him so tightly that it's impossible to move, evidence given by the way his fingers latch onto him rather than flatten to push. He notes it in that touch, in the way he responds, and all Larus does is press into him a little harder, grounding himself as they stand intertwined and cheek to cheek. It's intimate and devastating all in one breath. ]

If you want it so badly, take it. But I'm still not letting you go.

[ Because he's done it before, backed off and moved in like a piece played across a board, and for it, every time they come together, their connection is volatile and distinct in its anticipation. So, since he's lost his mind once already, Larus turns his head slightly and kisses at the high point of Dorian's cheekbone. ]
mislay: (pic#11773364)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-06 10:15 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Larus doesn't say a word to that. He takes it in, letting the hold on him go stagnant before he draws back and away. It's a familiar feeling, opening up parts of himself to have them flayed unrecognizably, and he's... disappointed. A little upset, though it's spiraling through him like a typhoon and entirely out of control. Because he could have told Dorian exactly what had happened to crack him like this, his fingers twitching slightly at his side as if they want to reach up and press against the healed area where he'd been stabbed.

A trigger to all of this and absolutely none of this.

There's not any measuring of it on his face, looking at Dorian with faint displeasure before backtracking emotionally. He shouldn't have come to the suite. All of this could have been avoided, though the confusing part of it rests in the fact it isn't all that likely they'd have realistically skirted it for much longer. Not with how profound it seems. ]


Alright.

[ A breath, a soft ache of agreement, and Larus turns away from him, steady as he moves through the living area with all its signs of Dorian's tastes and into the hall. He takes to the spare room rather than the one they've come to share occasionally, shutting the door as soon as he's inside like a barrier. Dorian's space he wanted to have. ]
mislay: (pic#11773398)

[personal profile] mislay 2022-05-07 12:15 am (UTC)(link)
[ He isn't cognizant of the time. Mostly because he can tell the sun isn't up and there's no real desire to travel anywhere else, eventually slipping out of the spare room an hour or so after Dorian leaves to settle on the couch. There's not much for him to do, not many people he wants to spend the effort of time on. So, he browses the network and reads a few of the more interesting pieces of literature out there before eventually growing bored with that.

Dorian's return is oddly specific, picking up his heartbeat as soon as he's on the same floor, and Larus considers going back to the other room. But no. He isn't a coward, so whatever transpires between them this time will be over and done with just as quickly. Except...

There are no words.

He leans in and drags him close, the hard press of his mouth there and sharp. Like a balm to the ache Dorian had left in his chest when he'd asked for space, and it's almost instinct by now to return the kiss, seeking out the heat of his lips and the warmth that comes from him naturally despite the slight coolness of the very early morning weather still clinging to parts of him. Larus kisses him automatically and then gets a hand between them, resting it against Dorian's chest to create enough of a gap that he can look at him. ]


Why? [ There's mostly confusion in the question, trying not to think about how much he still craves to lean into him again. ]

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