[He falls quiet for far longer after he finishes, mulling everything he has said. Eventually, what he thinks and wants coalesces from it.]
I believe I've used an ability to connect to others as a metric of sorts, because I know I care about my research, for example. My agendas. I'm quite attached to my habits and proclivities, all of which point to some emotion.
My attachments to vampires have been less emotional, barring my lover and my sire, to a lesser extent my childe in the beginning, and more transactional, as they almost always are among my kind.
[He taps his own knee with an index finger.]
I believe you hit upon the true rub of it in saying I'm trying something in which I have no experience. I can't think of the last time I've done that. I stick to areas in which I have mastery, not out of fear of failing, but from efficiency. It works. I've needed nothing else to satisfy me or perform my duties and expectations.
And in my world, failure is more weighty than hurt feelings or a partially severed hand. My perfectionism is in my way.
[He shakes his head.]
I'm not quitting. If I hurt people in being myself, I hurt them. It's not out of dishonesty at this point. If I meet someone who can handle it or doesn't see it as a flaw, then that's a step forward.
Maybe that works. Depends on the person, I suppose.
[For someone like him, the drive to know is stronger than any investment in the productive aspects of research, interests and hobbies.]
That's what I meant by 'discerning'. [Dorian folds his hands in his lap, brushing the thumb of one hand thoughtfully over the back of the other.] You've undoubtedly experienced it in different ways, but I think age is the greatest barrier for the young. [As in almost everyone.] There are emotional truths that people who won't ever live them can't and won't understand, regardless of how they're explained or even if they're shown proof of them. Even between us, there are things I can imagine about your life, but I only have the experience of 160 years to draw on to do it.
[He doesn't doubt there are things about being 870 that even he can't fathom now.]
For me, most people are a waste of time in that regard. Perhaps you'll feel differently. [He's not trying to be discouraging, and Grayson's already said that he feels similarly, but setting expectations feels useful.]
I've often had the sensation of trying to explain biochemistry to insects since coming here.
[It comes out dry. Yes, age gaps have proven stubbornly frustrating in this. There's no jumping that particular hurdle. It's immutable and insurmountable. He'll have to navigate around it.]
It may prove a waste of time in the end with most of them. Any good scientist draws from a wide sample pool.
Or perhaps it's a bit like prospecting. I'm sure there's some witty metaphor I could dredge if I could bring myself to care enough to recall the process.
At any rate, your perspective was useful. I have a better idea of what not to do next time. It's a start.
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I believe I've used an ability to connect to others as a metric of sorts, because I know I care about my research, for example. My agendas. I'm quite attached to my habits and proclivities, all of which point to some emotion.
My attachments to vampires have been less emotional, barring my lover and my sire, to a lesser extent my childe in the beginning, and more transactional, as they almost always are among my kind.
[He taps his own knee with an index finger.]
I believe you hit upon the true rub of it in saying I'm trying something in which I have no experience. I can't think of the last time I've done that. I stick to areas in which I have mastery, not out of fear of failing, but from efficiency. It works. I've needed nothing else to satisfy me or perform my duties and expectations.
And in my world, failure is more weighty than hurt feelings or a partially severed hand. My perfectionism is in my way.
[He shakes his head.]
I'm not quitting. If I hurt people in being myself, I hurt them. It's not out of dishonesty at this point. If I meet someone who can handle it or doesn't see it as a flaw, then that's a step forward.
no subject
Maybe that works. Depends on the person, I suppose.
[For someone like him, the drive to know is stronger than any investment in the productive aspects of research, interests and hobbies.]
That's what I meant by 'discerning'. [Dorian folds his hands in his lap, brushing the thumb of one hand thoughtfully over the back of the other.] You've undoubtedly experienced it in different ways, but I think age is the greatest barrier for the young. [As in almost everyone.] There are emotional truths that people who won't ever live them can't and won't understand, regardless of how they're explained or even if they're shown proof of them. Even between us, there are things I can imagine about your life, but I only have the experience of 160 years to draw on to do it.
[He doesn't doubt there are things about being 870 that even he can't fathom now.]
For me, most people are a waste of time in that regard. Perhaps you'll feel differently. [He's not trying to be discouraging, and Grayson's already said that he feels similarly, but setting expectations feels useful.]
no subject
[It comes out dry. Yes, age gaps have proven stubbornly frustrating in this. There's no jumping that particular hurdle. It's immutable and insurmountable. He'll have to navigate around it.]
It may prove a waste of time in the end with most of them. Any good scientist draws from a wide sample pool.
Or perhaps it's a bit like prospecting. I'm sure there's some witty metaphor I could dredge if I could bring myself to care enough to recall the process.
At any rate, your perspective was useful. I have a better idea of what not to do next time. It's a start.
no subject
Dorian pats Grayson's knee again, pleased.]
Glad to be of service. Just do me a favor and don't let on, [he jokes.] A man has a reputation to uphold.
And I'll give you one thing in all of this: you don't do anything by half measures.
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[His brief chuckle is a bit less rusty than it has been in the past. It has been getting more use these nights.]
Nothing worth doing is worth doing with faint effort. If it isn't all the way, it would be a waste of everyone's time, especially my own.
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What do you want now? Time to mull everything over? [Does he want to be alone, essentially.]
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[He will get better with handling this in time, he's sure, especially with a fresh perspective.]
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[Talking about something like this with an empty couch wouldn’t have suited at all. He needed to see Grayson’s face.
Dorian rises to his feet.]
But you’re welcome.