He can feel and hear the way Dorian's body responds to the idea. That excited heartbeat, his blood racing faster through him, his scent beginning to change as the desire comes to the fore. It's a lot to take in all at once when it's related to being bitten, and Toby has to take a breath to give himself a few seconds to parse through all of it.
"I do too. I have since that first night." The vampire lets his eyes fall closed as he continues to grapple with the conflicting desires in himself. How desperately he wants this again, and yet how much he wants to vomit from the thought of toeing the line of monster right now. He hates it. This is his soulmate and things should be easy because they're right and necessary. But this just... isn't, and it guts Toby as much as the thought of what he did to all those random humans does. He sighs and tugs Dorian closer, needing the contact as he struggles with this.
"It's hard, though. I came so close to losing myself, Dorian. I know you think it was necessary but it wasn't the way it is with you, and I don't know how to let that go." Having a soul is making so many things more difficult. A hundred years ago, he wouldn't have cared at all. Hell, even fifty years ago he could have passed it off as nothing out of the ordinary. This time was so much different, the circumstances a kind of shit storm he wasn't at all prepared for. He's still not ready for it, but here he is, trying to deal with the aftermath anyway. The only difference between now and a year ago is that he has someone at his side who wants to help him through it.
Shifting slightly, Toby opens his eyes and pulls Dorian against his side in a one armed cuddle. He's not going to be able to go through with this until they can talk about it a little more concisely. With another sigh, he leans in to press a kiss to the other man's temple. "I love you and I want to be everything we were before everything happened." No need to rehash all that time spent apart. Frowning, he adds, "I want this to be easy again, like it was before, but I don't know how to make it be that way."
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"I do too. I have since that first night." The vampire lets his eyes fall closed as he continues to grapple with the conflicting desires in himself. How desperately he wants this again, and yet how much he wants to vomit from the thought of toeing the line of monster right now. He hates it. This is his soulmate and things should be easy because they're right and necessary. But this just... isn't, and it guts Toby as much as the thought of what he did to all those random humans does. He sighs and tugs Dorian closer, needing the contact as he struggles with this.
"It's hard, though. I came so close to losing myself, Dorian. I know you think it was necessary but it wasn't the way it is with you, and I don't know how to let that go." Having a soul is making so many things more difficult. A hundred years ago, he wouldn't have cared at all. Hell, even fifty years ago he could have passed it off as nothing out of the ordinary. This time was so much different, the circumstances a kind of shit storm he wasn't at all prepared for. He's still not ready for it, but here he is, trying to deal with the aftermath anyway. The only difference between now and a year ago is that he has someone at his side who wants to help him through it.
Shifting slightly, Toby opens his eyes and pulls Dorian against his side in a one armed cuddle. He's not going to be able to go through with this until they can talk about it a little more concisely. With another sigh, he leans in to press a kiss to the other man's temple. "I love you and I want to be everything we were before everything happened." No need to rehash all that time spent apart. Frowning, he adds, "I want this to be easy again, like it was before, but I don't know how to make it be that way."