Having all of this dumped on him is deeply uncomfortable, psychologically thorny in the worst kind of way, and usually the last kind of relationship problem he ever goes out of his way to deal with. It's always been much easier to walk away and fly to Tangier and wait for all of his problems to go up in flames or simply (literally) die in his wake. But the consequences this time are too dire, and ones he actually cares about, for a change. Refusing to get his hands dirty could, if everyone is pushed too far, mean losing everything. (God, what he wouldn't give for things to have just worked out the way they were going.)
There are many things about his relationship with Toby that haven't been ideal lately-- that haven't been ideal for some time now. But beneath all of the trauma, the melancholy, the anxiety, and the problems, this is still the man who, years ago, showed him that there was more to life than what he'd known of it back when he was living on an autopilot of sex, drugs, and casual relationships. If there's any chance at all of getting part of what they were back, he can't let the man go.
It hurts already, knowing that this is possibly going to mean throwing aside the person who kept him from self-destructing completely, when all he'd done at the time was make terrible choice after terrible choice. There will be so much to navigate afterwards, depending on how the difficult conversations to follow and ensuing months go. How close any of them are allowed to remain, through what their own feelings (or each other) will allow.
"Then I'm going to choose you." And with those words, he can already feel the start of how difficult ripping this fucking band-aid off is going to be. How even that won't be the end of the problems to come. "If I can only be with one of you, that's how I want it." Dorian runs a hand through his hair in a self-soothing motion, and deflates back into the headboard behind him, his gaze tracking over to the nearest window.
"Unless you can see a way to feeling as though you've made a choice you can live with." Or let him live with on his own.
no subject
There are many things about his relationship with Toby that haven't been ideal lately-- that haven't been ideal for some time now. But beneath all of the trauma, the melancholy, the anxiety, and the problems, this is still the man who, years ago, showed him that there was more to life than what he'd known of it back when he was living on an autopilot of sex, drugs, and casual relationships. If there's any chance at all of getting part of what they were back, he can't let the man go.
It hurts already, knowing that this is possibly going to mean throwing aside the person who kept him from self-destructing completely, when all he'd done at the time was make terrible choice after terrible choice. There will be so much to navigate afterwards, depending on how the difficult conversations to follow and ensuing months go. How close any of them are allowed to remain, through what their own feelings (or each other) will allow.
"Then I'm going to choose you." And with those words, he can already feel the start of how difficult ripping this fucking band-aid off is going to be. How even that won't be the end of the problems to come. "If I can only be with one of you, that's how I want it." Dorian runs a hand through his hair in a self-soothing motion, and deflates back into the headboard behind him, his gaze tracking over to the nearest window.
"Unless you can see a way to feeling as though you've made a choice you can live with." Or let him live with on his own.
Christ, this sucks.