He scoffs as he pulls a box of cigarettes from his pocket and lights one. Of course Dorian would get threatened and choose to stay with someone anyway. That's just his fucking luck. Thanks, multiverse, you've done it again with shitting on him while he's already down! Toby shakes his head and stuffs the pack back in his pocket as he starts to pace the length of the bedroom.
"Someone's getting hurt no matter what any of us do, Dorian." That feels important to say, as the man seems to believe there's a way for them all to just go about all this as if no one had ever felt put upon or hurt by another. As if it isn't already obvious that he's hurting because of Dorian's actions as part of all this. The vampire sighs, exhaling a cloud of smoke as he stops just outside the other man's field of view.
"You want this to be easy, and that isn't possible. You asked for this complicated situation, because you didn't want to choose when I came back." He understands why that happened, and he agreed to the arrangement, but he never said he liked it. "Now things are escalating, and you can't ignore that anymore."
Feelings are always complicated. Attachments to others are fraught with difficulties and challenges. Toby avoided them for decades for this very reason. Funny how the multiverse decided to give him a fucking soulmate to challenge that.
The vampire takes another long drag from his cigarette before he continues. "I'm not saying you should do something immediately or without a plan, but you've got to take ownership of your part in all this. I'm upset," more than, but that's beside the point, "about not getting a real choice in this, but you've consistently assumed things were fine to avoid this very conversation. That won't work anymore, and you need to decide what you really want. Whether that's making whatever this... thing is that includes Amartolosa work or something else entirely, you have to choose."
He can't make that choice for his soulmate. God, he wishes he could to make this easier for the both of them, but no ultimatum is - or ever would - make that work. He loves Dorian more than he could possibly explain, even to his own detriment at times, and that means he has to let the man decide what makes sense for him.
Having all of this dumped on him is deeply uncomfortable, psychologically thorny in the worst kind of way, and usually the last kind of relationship problem he ever goes out of his way to deal with. It's always been much easier to walk away and fly to Tangier and wait for all of his problems to go up in flames or simply (literally) die in his wake. But the consequences this time are too dire, and ones he actually cares about, for a change. Refusing to get his hands dirty could, if everyone is pushed too far, mean losing everything. (God, what he wouldn't give for things to have just worked out the way they were going.)
There are many things about his relationship with Toby that haven't been ideal lately-- that haven't been ideal for some time now. But beneath all of the trauma, the melancholy, the anxiety, and the problems, this is still the man who, years ago, showed him that there was more to life than what he'd known of it back when he was living on an autopilot of sex, drugs, and casual relationships. If there's any chance at all of getting part of what they were back, he can't let the man go.
It hurts already, knowing that this is possibly going to mean throwing aside the person who kept him from self-destructing completely, when all he'd done at the time was make terrible choice after terrible choice. There will be so much to navigate afterwards, depending on how the difficult conversations to follow and ensuing months go. How close any of them are allowed to remain, through what their own feelings (or each other) will allow.
"Then I'm going to choose you." And with those words, he can already feel the start of how difficult ripping this fucking band-aid off is going to be. How even that won't be the end of the problems to come. "If I can only be with one of you, that's how I want it." Dorian runs a hand through his hair in a self-soothing motion, and deflates back into the headboard behind him, his gaze tracking over to the nearest window.
"Unless you can see a way to feeling as though you've made a choice you can live with." Or let him live with on his own.
The declaration doesn't feel... real, nor does the followup feel fair. Dorian making a choice in the heat of the moment isn't exactly what Toby was pushing for, but having that tiny push back to keep dealing with his pain and anxiety about welcoming another person into their home and relationship overshadows the relief it could have brought. Maybe that's not what the younger immortal intended with his words, but that's how it feels to the vampire. It's ugly and an attempt to shirk what has to remain with him as far as decisions. Toby sighs heavily and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand, shaking his head the whole while.
This could have been such a romantic and meaningful moment, but of course it couldn't be. If Dorian can shove consequences or blame onto someone else, he will always choose to do so.
"If you're choosing one of us, and you want it to be me, then choose me. Don't... settle or try to coerce me into letting you have whatever you want while I'm forced to make do." He shakes his head again as he ashes his cigarette. "I want you, but you better fucking want me too, otherwise we'll end up right back here again in a few months' time."
Why did Dorian have to say it like that? Of the thousands of ways he could have said it - and still rightfully struggled and been upset - he had to fucking say it that way? Why? What good does it do to push on him more while they're already arguing over this?
Slumping down against the end of the bed, Toby sinks to the floor and stares out the open window. "All I've ever wanted is to be with you," he mutters, the tears in his eyes obvious in his voice. For better or worse, for all the struggles and pain its brought, he's never not wanted their relationship since he admitted his feelings to himself. "But I can't take being the last to be considered anymore. I can't ignore how much this has hurt me any longer, no matter how hard I try to drown my feelings."
He's not even sure how to start in this moment. It's immediately obvious that he could have taken a more time to consider his words before letting them come out wrapped with emotion and distress over coming loss, but in this moment he simply can't care.
He's tired of fighting, and nothing being fine even when there isn't fighting.
"Be honest with yourself. What is there to choose between us, lately? What do we actually have, in a year and a half after we found each other again?" Breathing out in a rough sigh, Dorian finds his feet and reaches for the nearest form of coverage available. He couldn't say why right now, but the other man's emotions aren't reaching him where in the previous months, they would have. "Are either of us satisfied with how things are? You aren't, obviously, but--" Another breath, as he finds the garment in his hands is one of Toby's flannel shirts. Exhaling, this time in frustration, he lets the garment fall to the floor before turning to the other man.
"None of this feels the way it used to between us, and I know part of that's unavoidable. Both of us were taken apart by Lucifer." Dorian shakes his head. "But maybe things are the way they are between us now because there's nothing left to put back together."
It stings. All of that stings in a way that makes Toby sick with the need for drink to dull his pain. And it--
It highlights one of the many problems they're having.
"I'm trying, Dorian." His voice shakes with the effort of getting his words out. "I have been putting myself back together while dealing with-- with all your shit at the same time. Dealing with someone else living in what should feel like my home that I don't know and whose presence threatens everything we built before the Brigadoon."
He still wants this. He still wants them and everything they have. It's messy and painful, sure, but it's the best thing he's ever had. He's never felt so complete or at ease (in a strange, often nonsensical way) as he has with Dorian.
Shifting to his feet, Toby snuffs his cigarette in the nearest ashtray and moves to stand in front of the other man. "You're impulsive. You're selfish and a goddamn coward when it comes to telling me things straight. You don't care when I worry about your safety and dismiss half my concerns about... everything! For no reason other than your own egotistical need to be right all the time." He takes a breath to steady himself, ignoring the tears running down his face.
"But goddammit, I love you, Dorian Gray. You see things in a way I never could, see... me in ways that shouldn't be possible. You strive for beauty and richness in life, and you put that passion into the things you love most. You're stubborn and cynical, but you still give a damn. I know that, or you wouldn't be fighting with me now, about all this." Another breath as he finally wipes his face with the back of his hand. "I know things aren't good right now, and I still want this anyway. I still want to make this work."
But...
"I need you to understand that I see how you look at her. I know you may not see where this could go, but I do." He sighs and drops his voice to a murmur. "Someday, you may love her more than me. Not in the same way, but still more. I don't want to take that love from you, but I don't want to give up on you either, because if I don't fight now, I'll never have the chance when you decide she's worth more to you, and you abandon me down the road."
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mayfairmonster) wrote2021-01-20 02:31 pm
no subject
"Someone's getting hurt no matter what any of us do, Dorian." That feels important to say, as the man seems to believe there's a way for them all to just go about all this as if no one had ever felt put upon or hurt by another. As if it isn't already obvious that he's hurting because of Dorian's actions as part of all this. The vampire sighs, exhaling a cloud of smoke as he stops just outside the other man's field of view.
"You want this to be easy, and that isn't possible. You asked for this complicated situation, because you didn't want to choose when I came back." He understands why that happened, and he agreed to the arrangement, but he never said he liked it. "Now things are escalating, and you can't ignore that anymore."
Feelings are always complicated. Attachments to others are fraught with difficulties and challenges. Toby avoided them for decades for this very reason. Funny how the multiverse decided to give him a fucking soulmate to challenge that.
The vampire takes another long drag from his cigarette before he continues. "I'm not saying you should do something immediately or without a plan, but you've got to take ownership of your part in all this. I'm upset," more than, but that's beside the point, "about not getting a real choice in this, but you've consistently assumed things were fine to avoid this very conversation. That won't work anymore, and you need to decide what you really want. Whether that's making whatever this... thing is that includes Amartolosa work or something else entirely, you have to choose."
He can't make that choice for his soulmate. God, he wishes he could to make this easier for the both of them, but no ultimatum is - or ever would - make that work. He loves Dorian more than he could possibly explain, even to his own detriment at times, and that means he has to let the man decide what makes sense for him.
no subject
There are many things about his relationship with Toby that haven't been ideal lately-- that haven't been ideal for some time now. But beneath all of the trauma, the melancholy, the anxiety, and the problems, this is still the man who, years ago, showed him that there was more to life than what he'd known of it back when he was living on an autopilot of sex, drugs, and casual relationships. If there's any chance at all of getting part of what they were back, he can't let the man go.
It hurts already, knowing that this is possibly going to mean throwing aside the person who kept him from self-destructing completely, when all he'd done at the time was make terrible choice after terrible choice. There will be so much to navigate afterwards, depending on how the difficult conversations to follow and ensuing months go. How close any of them are allowed to remain, through what their own feelings (or each other) will allow.
"Then I'm going to choose you." And with those words, he can already feel the start of how difficult ripping this fucking band-aid off is going to be. How even that won't be the end of the problems to come. "If I can only be with one of you, that's how I want it." Dorian runs a hand through his hair in a self-soothing motion, and deflates back into the headboard behind him, his gaze tracking over to the nearest window.
"Unless you can see a way to feeling as though you've made a choice you can live with." Or let him live with on his own.
Christ, this sucks.
no subject
This could have been such a romantic and meaningful moment, but of course it couldn't be. If Dorian can shove consequences or blame onto someone else, he will always choose to do so.
"If you're choosing one of us, and you want it to be me, then choose me. Don't... settle or try to coerce me into letting you have whatever you want while I'm forced to make do." He shakes his head again as he ashes his cigarette. "I want you, but you better fucking want me too, otherwise we'll end up right back here again in a few months' time."
Why did Dorian have to say it like that? Of the thousands of ways he could have said it - and still rightfully struggled and been upset - he had to fucking say it that way? Why? What good does it do to push on him more while they're already arguing over this?
Slumping down against the end of the bed, Toby sinks to the floor and stares out the open window. "All I've ever wanted is to be with you," he mutters, the tears in his eyes obvious in his voice. For better or worse, for all the struggles and pain its brought, he's never not wanted their relationship since he admitted his feelings to himself. "But I can't take being the last to be considered anymore. I can't ignore how much this has hurt me any longer, no matter how hard I try to drown my feelings."
no subject
He's tired of fighting, and nothing being fine even when there isn't fighting.
"Be honest with yourself. What is there to choose between us, lately? What do we actually have, in a year and a half after we found each other again?" Breathing out in a rough sigh, Dorian finds his feet and reaches for the nearest form of coverage available. He couldn't say why right now, but the other man's emotions aren't reaching him where in the previous months, they would have. "Are either of us satisfied with how things are? You aren't, obviously, but--" Another breath, as he finds the garment in his hands is one of Toby's flannel shirts. Exhaling, this time in frustration, he lets the garment fall to the floor before turning to the other man.
"None of this feels the way it used to between us, and I know part of that's unavoidable. Both of us were taken apart by Lucifer." Dorian shakes his head. "But maybe things are the way they are between us now because there's nothing left to put back together."
no subject
It highlights one of the many problems they're having.
"I'm trying, Dorian." His voice shakes with the effort of getting his words out. "I have been putting myself back together while dealing with-- with all your shit at the same time. Dealing with someone else living in what should feel like my home that I don't know and whose presence threatens everything we built before the Brigadoon."
He still wants this. He still wants them and everything they have. It's messy and painful, sure, but it's the best thing he's ever had. He's never felt so complete or at ease (in a strange, often nonsensical way) as he has with Dorian.
Shifting to his feet, Toby snuffs his cigarette in the nearest ashtray and moves to stand in front of the other man. "You're impulsive. You're selfish and a goddamn coward when it comes to telling me things straight. You don't care when I worry about your safety and dismiss half my concerns about... everything! For no reason other than your own egotistical need to be right all the time." He takes a breath to steady himself, ignoring the tears running down his face.
"But goddammit, I love you, Dorian Gray. You see things in a way I never could, see... me in ways that shouldn't be possible. You strive for beauty and richness in life, and you put that passion into the things you love most. You're stubborn and cynical, but you still give a damn. I know that, or you wouldn't be fighting with me now, about all this." Another breath as he finally wipes his face with the back of his hand. "I know things aren't good right now, and I still want this anyway. I still want to make this work."
But...
"I need you to understand that I see how you look at her. I know you may not see where this could go, but I do." He sighs and drops his voice to a murmur. "Someday, you may love her more than me. Not in the same way, but still more. I don't want to take that love from you, but I don't want to give up on you either, because if I don't fight now, I'll never have the chance when you decide she's worth more to you, and you abandon me down the road."