The declaration doesn't feel... real, nor does the followup feel fair. Dorian making a choice in the heat of the moment isn't exactly what Toby was pushing for, but having that tiny push back to keep dealing with his pain and anxiety about welcoming another person into their home and relationship overshadows the relief it could have brought. Maybe that's not what the younger immortal intended with his words, but that's how it feels to the vampire. It's ugly and an attempt to shirk what has to remain with him as far as decisions. Toby sighs heavily and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand, shaking his head the whole while.
This could have been such a romantic and meaningful moment, but of course it couldn't be. If Dorian can shove consequences or blame onto someone else, he will always choose to do so.
"If you're choosing one of us, and you want it to be me, then choose me. Don't... settle or try to coerce me into letting you have whatever you want while I'm forced to make do." He shakes his head again as he ashes his cigarette. "I want you, but you better fucking want me too, otherwise we'll end up right back here again in a few months' time."
Why did Dorian have to say it like that? Of the thousands of ways he could have said it - and still rightfully struggled and been upset - he had to fucking say it that way? Why? What good does it do to push on him more while they're already arguing over this?
Slumping down against the end of the bed, Toby sinks to the floor and stares out the open window. "All I've ever wanted is to be with you," he mutters, the tears in his eyes obvious in his voice. For better or worse, for all the struggles and pain its brought, he's never not wanted their relationship since he admitted his feelings to himself. "But I can't take being the last to be considered anymore. I can't ignore how much this has hurt me any longer, no matter how hard I try to drown my feelings."
He's not even sure how to start in this moment. It's immediately obvious that he could have taken a more time to consider his words before letting them come out wrapped with emotion and distress over coming loss, but in this moment he simply can't care.
He's tired of fighting, and nothing being fine even when there isn't fighting.
"Be honest with yourself. What is there to choose between us, lately? What do we actually have, in a year and a half after we found each other again?" Breathing out in a rough sigh, Dorian finds his feet and reaches for the nearest form of coverage available. He couldn't say why right now, but the other man's emotions aren't reaching him where in the previous months, they would have. "Are either of us satisfied with how things are? You aren't, obviously, but--" Another breath, as he finds the garment in his hands is one of Toby's flannel shirts. Exhaling, this time in frustration, he lets the garment fall to the floor before turning to the other man.
"None of this feels the way it used to between us, and I know part of that's unavoidable. Both of us were taken apart by Lucifer." Dorian shakes his head. "But maybe things are the way they are between us now because there's nothing left to put back together."
It stings. All of that stings in a way that makes Toby sick with the need for drink to dull his pain. And it--
It highlights one of the many problems they're having.
"I'm trying, Dorian." His voice shakes with the effort of getting his words out. "I have been putting myself back together while dealing with-- with all your shit at the same time. Dealing with someone else living in what should feel like my home that I don't know and whose presence threatens everything we built before the Brigadoon."
He still wants this. He still wants them and everything they have. It's messy and painful, sure, but it's the best thing he's ever had. He's never felt so complete or at ease (in a strange, often nonsensical way) as he has with Dorian.
Shifting to his feet, Toby snuffs his cigarette in the nearest ashtray and moves to stand in front of the other man. "You're impulsive. You're selfish and a goddamn coward when it comes to telling me things straight. You don't care when I worry about your safety and dismiss half my concerns about... everything! For no reason other than your own egotistical need to be right all the time." He takes a breath to steady himself, ignoring the tears running down his face.
"But goddammit, I love you, Dorian Gray. You see things in a way I never could, see... me in ways that shouldn't be possible. You strive for beauty and richness in life, and you put that passion into the things you love most. You're stubborn and cynical, but you still give a damn. I know that, or you wouldn't be fighting with me now, about all this." Another breath as he finally wipes his face with the back of his hand. "I know things aren't good right now, and I still want this anyway. I still want to make this work."
But...
"I need you to understand that I see how you look at her. I know you may not see where this could go, but I do." He sighs and drops his voice to a murmur. "Someday, you may love her more than me. Not in the same way, but still more. I don't want to take that love from you, but I don't want to give up on you either, because if I don't fight now, I'll never have the chance when you decide she's worth more to you, and you abandon me down the road."
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mayfairmonster) wrote2021-01-20 02:31 pm
no subject
This could have been such a romantic and meaningful moment, but of course it couldn't be. If Dorian can shove consequences or blame onto someone else, he will always choose to do so.
"If you're choosing one of us, and you want it to be me, then choose me. Don't... settle or try to coerce me into letting you have whatever you want while I'm forced to make do." He shakes his head again as he ashes his cigarette. "I want you, but you better fucking want me too, otherwise we'll end up right back here again in a few months' time."
Why did Dorian have to say it like that? Of the thousands of ways he could have said it - and still rightfully struggled and been upset - he had to fucking say it that way? Why? What good does it do to push on him more while they're already arguing over this?
Slumping down against the end of the bed, Toby sinks to the floor and stares out the open window. "All I've ever wanted is to be with you," he mutters, the tears in his eyes obvious in his voice. For better or worse, for all the struggles and pain its brought, he's never not wanted their relationship since he admitted his feelings to himself. "But I can't take being the last to be considered anymore. I can't ignore how much this has hurt me any longer, no matter how hard I try to drown my feelings."
no subject
He's tired of fighting, and nothing being fine even when there isn't fighting.
"Be honest with yourself. What is there to choose between us, lately? What do we actually have, in a year and a half after we found each other again?" Breathing out in a rough sigh, Dorian finds his feet and reaches for the nearest form of coverage available. He couldn't say why right now, but the other man's emotions aren't reaching him where in the previous months, they would have. "Are either of us satisfied with how things are? You aren't, obviously, but--" Another breath, as he finds the garment in his hands is one of Toby's flannel shirts. Exhaling, this time in frustration, he lets the garment fall to the floor before turning to the other man.
"None of this feels the way it used to between us, and I know part of that's unavoidable. Both of us were taken apart by Lucifer." Dorian shakes his head. "But maybe things are the way they are between us now because there's nothing left to put back together."
no subject
It highlights one of the many problems they're having.
"I'm trying, Dorian." His voice shakes with the effort of getting his words out. "I have been putting myself back together while dealing with-- with all your shit at the same time. Dealing with someone else living in what should feel like my home that I don't know and whose presence threatens everything we built before the Brigadoon."
He still wants this. He still wants them and everything they have. It's messy and painful, sure, but it's the best thing he's ever had. He's never felt so complete or at ease (in a strange, often nonsensical way) as he has with Dorian.
Shifting to his feet, Toby snuffs his cigarette in the nearest ashtray and moves to stand in front of the other man. "You're impulsive. You're selfish and a goddamn coward when it comes to telling me things straight. You don't care when I worry about your safety and dismiss half my concerns about... everything! For no reason other than your own egotistical need to be right all the time." He takes a breath to steady himself, ignoring the tears running down his face.
"But goddammit, I love you, Dorian Gray. You see things in a way I never could, see... me in ways that shouldn't be possible. You strive for beauty and richness in life, and you put that passion into the things you love most. You're stubborn and cynical, but you still give a damn. I know that, or you wouldn't be fighting with me now, about all this." Another breath as he finally wipes his face with the back of his hand. "I know things aren't good right now, and I still want this anyway. I still want to make this work."
But...
"I need you to understand that I see how you look at her. I know you may not see where this could go, but I do." He sighs and drops his voice to a murmur. "Someday, you may love her more than me. Not in the same way, but still more. I don't want to take that love from you, but I don't want to give up on you either, because if I don't fight now, I'll never have the chance when you decide she's worth more to you, and you abandon me down the road."